A Life's Test

Yeah, I know that I've gone often to rarely in updating my own blog. I've got lots of events, assignments, and projects in my campus that need my attention. Not only that, there's also this competition in English writing that I've just finished a few days ago. Though one was down, another ten still remain. In addition to that, I've also been hammered with what I call "The toughest test in my life". 

May I remind you that this post is all going to be me whining about my life, telling you my experience. Some of you that don't stand a man being melancholic should stay away from this post. For those who don't, some of you might think that I'm stupid, and there's an easy solution out of this. But in my mind, there isn't. This is the story of a clash between my heart and my logic. If you want to know more, you're welcome to get past the break. If you don't, then I can understand why you leave.

I'm a Gemini, and Geminis are known to excel in thinking logically. Heck, some might even add that Geminis have two faces, considering a twin as their symbol. I am aware of both the former and latter. No, I'm not saying that all Geminis are two-faced, because I know a Gemini friend who's awfully honest. Anyway, I admit that I'm one of those two-faced Geminis, although it's not in a harmful way. I'm a man that can easily hide my sadness and personal feelings when faced with public; I'm the type of guy who can easily implement the "Don't let your personal feelings affect your work" principle. I can even bet that the public would be surprised if I had lots of life's problems.

Anyway, enough about me and let's get to the point. If I ask you guys, what's the primary cause of unseen pain and may cause death, what would be your answer? I know what mine is, and that's psychological. Yes, I frankly think that our feelings and heart are the greatest source of pain. Ironically, those are what make us humans. To be able to feel and to love is a blessing, as well as a great curse. They may shape us to what we are today, although there's a chance we surrender midway.

So, assuming that heart and feelings are the greatest source of pain, what about endurance? I don't know about you guys, but I think just like in games, we have limited endurance, especially psychological endurance. Once we've exhausted it, we can either die, or need to disappear for a while (read: rest)... and currently mine is now at the breaking point.

There's this girl that I like--no, I love. We've known each other for four years. We've been through numerous storms, problems and obstacles together. Thanks to God, we've overcome those and manage to survive. But I don't think we're going to last even this week. Ironically, the current problem is similar to the problem we've faced and overcome before, but this time it's different, and there's one factor to blame: The Third Party.

If I say "The Third Party", what's the first thing that comes to your mind? Is it a person? Yes, I bet most of you would say that it's a person. However, it's not... at least in my case. You see, I'm also the type of guy who doesn't stop until it's done once I'm attached to my work, whether I voluntarily get attached to it or not. If you have the same thinking as mine, then you're correct. The third party this time is not a person, it's even unseen to the naked eye. Yes, "The Third Party" I'm referring to is the approaching deadline of projects, events, and assignments. Because of this "Third Party", I'm unable to fix things right.

Getting back to the 'endurance' part, I mentioned 'psychological endurance', correct? Psychological endurance, according to myself, is more feeble compared to physical endurance. If you ask why, the answer is between seen and unseen. Physical pain is visible and the easiest to heal, no matter how bad it looks. Compared to psychological pain, which is invisible and the hardest to heal. Sometimes, the only medicine for psychological trauma is, you guess it, time. But there's so much that time cannot erase, quoting the song "My Immortal" by Evanescence. 

The psychological trauma I'm facing here is the inability to give her proper attention, the inability to fix things as fast as possible. Do you know how it feels when you're just a few points away from passing and you fail? The pain when there's an easy solution but you just can't do it? That's the same kind of pain I'm suffering, or worse. Before this storm came, I had planned to tell her to be patient, as I'm going to focus on finishing everything. Originally, it seemed easy, knowing that everything will be done by the beginning of June. But now, it seems very long, and hard. And once you're faced with trauma, strange things begin to haunt you.

No, it's not apparitions or spirits that haunt you, but paranoia. You start to think negatively; even the impossible will be possible in your mind, and that's a very awful and painful experience. I myself have been having one, and begin to suspect myself of suffering from depression. Yes, the pain is real, and the fear is overwhelming. I've been fighting them for a few months now. Thankfully, I stayed strong and I could endure it, thanks to her and my supportive friends. Unfortunately, however, I don't think I could last this test.

This morning, she changed her profile picture. For a few weeks, her profile picture was a picture of us, and so do mine, but just now, hers is just a photo of her I took. I know this sounds kind of crazy and exaggerating but hey, I told you that once faced with psychological trauma, even the impossible may become possible in your mind, right? Thus, I think that I need to fight once again. Even as I'm writing, I'm suffering from a headache, but I know that I have to fight. I don't want to lose her, and nobody would ever want to lose someone dear. Writing this piece of post is a way for me to unload my mind from the burden I'm lifting, and I sincerely hope that after this, at least I'll recover some of my psychological endurance.

So, if you're reading this, my love, I don't want to ask for your patience for the umpteenth time. Asking won't do good if you don't act. I am going to fight, I'm going to finish these darn projects and events, and I'll get things right with you once again. In fact, I'll do my best to fix things as I finish these projects.

Everyone has tests that needs to be faced in life. If you survive, then you'll be a better person the next day. Sometimes running is not an option, just like mine. So, if you're having the same problem as mine, I'll suggest you fight. She's not going to be there forever, and while she is... cherish her and don't take her for granted. Buy her a cup of coffee, take her for a walk, and give her a big piece of your attention. If you say she's worth the trouble, then I can confidently say that she's worth giving all those things before this sentence.

Well, I think that frees one heck of a burden from my chest, and I can take a deep breath plus some encouragement. If you guys are reading this, then I am very, very grateful. Sadly, I can't give anything in return but an advice: don't keep it all inside... or you may keep it all inside, but it's leeching off your endurance, and you might just go insane.Find your best friend, or write in your diary of whatever kind of diary you have and dump all your problems onto him/her/it. It helps... a lot.

So finally, I think this is the end of my long post. No, this isn't a part of a novel, this is a real-life situation I'm currently facing, and thanks to this blog and you readers, I've finally got some space to breathe and think clearly. So, once again, thank you for your patience, and I'm sorry if this post offends anyone in any way. I'm just a human. I have endurance, I need food and drink, and of course I make mistakes. So I guess that's it. Have a nice day, and I'm looking forward to your visit again :D